A Gift Is Not A Reward. — Joyfully Journaling

Nov 17

Nov 17 A Gift Is Not A Reward.

I sat on the bathroom floor waiting for my next piece of evidence to be ready for presentation. I could feel the fumes rise from my chest to my nasal hotter than the pot of noodles that had boiled over the brim earlier this evening. I had been distracted with angst then too…

“Mommy I want Mac n cheese! I sooo hungry Mom!” Hungry toddlers are loud as seals when the tide comes in. But the whines that would normally put me on edge were only background noise tonight. My entire preoccupation was the reality that my husband and I had been out of sorts for three whole days now.

In our eighth year of marriage and our eleventh year together this was an uncommon length of time for us to keep the fuse lit. Our “fights” are typically nothing less than an argument, sometimes heated sometimes not, which leads us to humility and helpful conversation within twenty four hours. But this time it was cold shoulders passing down the hall, “don’t you dare breathe air in the same room as me”, and a sudden inability to make eye contact for seventy two hours.

We haven’t had an argument this intense since I was in first trimester with Trinity. I quickly brushed the thought aside. He couldn’t be right. His comment must simply be getting in my head. “Are YOU pregnant?” ! He assumes I am hormonal because I am a woman with feelings and emotions… I assume HE is simply insensitive! I will prove him wrong.

Fast forward to post dinner and I am sitting on the bathroom floor waiting for the magic stick to make my point. Has it been three minutes yet?

I decide it has and pick up my urine encapsulated proof of sanity.

“SHIT.”

I’ve never been proven wrong in an argument so dramatically. And I was the least POSITIVE about it!

…

I downward spiraled pretty fast.

The following minutes included me sitting on the cold tile in total shock murmering “Jesus… Jesus… JESUS?” and “no no no no no nooo…”

This COULDN’T be God’s timing? No. This has to prove it. This is what happens when two people ignore science. We must be stupid fools. This doesn’t feel like You God?

We had decided a couple years ago that God is Lord of our womb and we would accept His blessings in His timing. Doing anything countercultural has its ups and downs of mental processing and tonight lying on the bathroom floor was an accurate picture of my internal state.

Doubt was the immediate pit before me and I let myself fall into it.

…

The pit was now in the bottom of my stomach as I lay in bed not even trying to get comfortable. I knew sleep was not in my near future. I couldn’t let myself end the night here. I knew better than to fall asleep with unresolved thoughts; though your body rests your mind continues to race until you wake up with those thoughts ten times more exaggerated in the morning.

On my left side was my oil diffuser letting out a steady stream of lavender that would normally help me wind down. On my right side was a steady stream of snores from my husband. I hadn’t been able to give him the news of his correct prediction.

The first time I ever shared a positive pregnancy test with my husband days were spent ahead of time arranging the perfect reveal gift and my biggest concern was making sure I had hit record on the iPhone video camera. This time days were spent getting three littles teeth brushed, jammies on, sippy cups filled and blankies in hand. My biggest concern was wondering if this twenty two page bedtime story they chose was going to end before the baby arrived. My mind was not filled with ideas on how to reveal the news to my spouse but rather struggling to process the information myself.

I now lay in bed grateful for the extra alone time but unsure how to spend it. Over the past couple years I had compiled an entire journal of encouragements for myself; scripture verses, quotes, moments of revelations, words God had spoken to me personally… all reminders of the why behind what we were doing. But I wanted none of these right now. In my pit of doubt I didn’t trust what my own heart had heard or discovered. I needed someone else to remind me what was true.

I don’t remember exactly why but I pulled up the YouTube app on my iPhone and typed in “Lord of the womb”. The more I scrolled the more discouraged I became. Every single video was about trusting the Lord in the inability to conceive. “See! We are the only ones on the planet! This proves our stupidity!”

I was just about to log off when I recognized a familiar face. I couldn’t quite put my finger on who she was but I knew I had seen her on Instagram. The title below read “Our Testimony of Trusting God with My Womb and His Provision…”. I suddenly remembered who this woman was and could imagine all of the instagram posts I had seen with her and her ten children surrounding her. I “followed” her because I loved her boldness. I loved her unapologetic testimonies of the Lord. And her family was beautiful. “Maybe her story would give me just one step of faith out of this pit before I fall asleep?” I thought to myself as I clicked play…

…

Forty five minutes later and this woman’s testimony had me leaps and bounds from where I was less than an hour ago. Every feeling of doubt had been replaced with bubbling excitement. The thoughts that once said “I don’t know how I’m going to do this” now said “I can’t believe I GET to do this!” The attitude of not feeling prepared had shifted to feeling privileged of being chosen to raise another child. The pit had been filled with refreshing water and was now overflowing! I knew this is what it felt like to attach to someone else’s faith.

I HAD to respond.

I tapped my phone screen to check the time. 11:33pm.

I hopped out of bed and walked to the kitchen with a pace that said I was on mission.

I made my way to the rug below our kitchen sink, a place I spend many hours of my day, and dropped to my knees. What is normally a cushion to my feet is now the pad to my face. Arms stretched in front of me as far as they would reach, forehead to the floor, I began to speak with God again.

“OK Lord. OK.”

“Here I am again giving You my life. It’s too big for me. So I give it to You. It’s more than I can handle. So I open my hands.”

“I give You my hurts. You know I already forgave my husband, but I surrender the wall I stubbornly put up in self protection. There’s no room for anything like that in my life, this abundant life You have given me.”

Immediately I heard the voice of the Lord sing over me…

“MY DAUGHTER, IT WAS NO COINCIDENCE THE TIMING YOU DISCOVERED THIS BABY. I REVEALED THIS TO YOU IN MY PERFECT TIMING. I NEED YOU TO UNDERSTAND. WHEN YOU THINK THAT YOU ARE AT YOUR WORST, AS A WIFE AND AS A MOTHER… AND WHEN YOU THINK THAT HE IS AT HIS WORST, AS A HUSBAND AND AS A FATHER… I SEE TWO CHILDREN THAT ARE WORTHY OF ONE OF MY GREATEST BLESSINGS. I DO NOT SEE WHAT YOU SEE. I SEE CHILDREN THAT I AM MOST PROUD OF; AND THIS CHILD I GIVE YOU IS A GIFT NOT A REWARD.

…

Oxford Dictionary’s definitions of gift vs. reward…

GIFT (noun)- a thing given willingly to someone without payment; a present

REWARD (noun)- a thing given in recognition of one’s service, effort or achievement.

…

When I accept that I myself am a gift to God, regardless of my current shortcomings, then I will start viewing others around me as the free blessings that they truly are as well. First and foremost receiving my spouse and children… both the children I adore every day and those I have yet to discover.

If the gospel is the good news of God giving me life unearned, then perhaps that same God gifts life to my womb with the same measure of grace?

I was beginning to see it. His ways are not my ways.

…

I waltzed back to my bed though I still did not expect sleep to come easy. I felt carefree as a child, though filled with as much anticipation as if it were Christmas Eve. Except I had now discovered there was no naughty or nice list.

My body mimicked the rest of my soul as I melted into my feathery pillows and tucked under our white comforter, letting it cover me all the way up to my chin.

My heart had decided.

Life in the womb is never a consequence because it was never a reward in the first place.

…

“When people work, they earn wages. It can’t be considered a free gift, because they earned it. But no one can earn God’s righteousness. It can only be transferred when we no longer rely on our own works, but believe in The One who powerfully declares the ungodly to be righteous in his eyes…” Romans 4:4-5 (TPT)