Our God Doesn't Do Compromise
November 29th, 2012
The silence in the air is thick and awkward. If I had known we would be facing this conversation I might not have come tonight. Our mentors and friends sit across from us with the most genuinely compassionate looks on their faces. I wonder if they are thinking the same thing and wish too that we hadn’t come. But then I remember they are the ones who asked the question that started all of this; “how many kids do you guys want?”
Jeff and Johanna were our church’s associate pastors and college group leaders who had kindly offered to do premarital counseling with my fiancé Clinton and I. They knew us both and loved us both well so we immediately said yes and thank you. We weren’t one of those couples who naively thought marriage would be rainbows and butterflies and having been engaged for six months now we were aware of the frustrations and disagreements that could come when two people decided to merge their lives. But never ever would I have been prepared for this one.
So there I sat facing the man I was preparing to join in marriage for the rest of our lives, his eyes reflecting deep anxiety, as he waited for my response. I knew I had already taken too long to answer but I was still processing so much information. He really didn’t want kids? Ever? How had I not seen this coming? Why hadn’t he told me this before? My heart couldn’t decide whether to grasp onto sorrow or anger but held tightly to confusion. Memories of this man playing with his nineteen nieces and nephews flooded my mind. I had taken note of every moment he impressed me with changing a diaper, tossing a toddler in the air, or correcting misbehavior and turned them into visions of our future together with our own. Every remark he had made of “I like to spoil my nieces and nephews then give them back” or “kids are way too much work” were taken as simply sarcasm and given no further thought. His actions of loving them had always spoken louder to me than any words.
“Brittany?” Jeff broke through my train of thought.
“Yes? Sorry…” I knew time was up. Whether I was ready or not, I had to tell him.
I faced the man I loved once again.
“If you truly don’t want children then I can’t marry you. I love you and have wanted to be your wife for three years now, but I’ve wanted to be a mom my entire life.”
As soon as the words left my lips I saw the devastation and hurt hit him in the face.
...
December 6th, 2012
I opened my Bible to my daily reading and stared. I read the chapter three times without retaining a single word. Frustrated I closed the book, sat back and sipped my coffee. What book was I even in? I knew caffeine wasn’t the problem.
It had been a full week now since I’d last talked to my fiancé. Our emotion filled counseling session had ended with him telling me that he never wanted children but couldn’t quite pinpoint the reason why or when he had made that decision. I told him that I didn’t want to “call it off” unless he was absolutely certain and he knew that he knew he would never be a dad. My concern was that if we went our separate ways, and later married other people, he would then discover his inner vow had all been over some provisional parenting fears. We decided that we were going to take two weeks apart so that he could pray and seek the Lord asking for more clarity. It had only been a week but felt like a month. This was much much harder than waiting for the cookies to bake in the oven or waiting for that strict college professor to post your final grade.
A big gulp of coffee and I once again opened my Bible. I decided to skip today’s reading and turn to the book of Psalms- I wanted words of emotion! But as I read King David’s laments my thoughts still wondered away.
“Just talk to me daughter.” His kind voice spoke giving me permission to put aside the religious obligation.
Tears streamed down my face before any words left my mouth.
“Lord I just feel very confused. I’ve invested my heart into this relationship that I thought was blessed by You and now I might have to end it. How did I not see this coming? Please tell me what to do!”
All the emotions I had held inside were now bursting out of me. I sobbed for the first time in the past seven days.
I knew it was His voice because it was peace in the middle of my hysteria…
“You may not have seen this coming but I did. I am not shocked by it nor is my plan thwarted by it. Remember that you are My daughter and he is My son. The desire that you have to be a mother was put there by Me because it represents the desire that I have always had towards you. You are both my children and I know what will make you both happy more than you yourselves do. You don’t need to know what that looks like right now, but know that it doesn’t look like compromise.”
Instantly I felt peace and security wash over me. No longer did I feel like my world had been turned upside down. God’s words for my life shut every door of fear I had allowed open. The next seven days went by like a breeze.
...
December 13th, 2012
I was parked in front of my fiancé’s house in my part primed Camry. I sat there for a few moments collecting my nerves in the pit of my stomach. The way that the Lord had spoken to me was so powerful I could not wait to hear what He had told Clinton!
I knocked on the door and was greeted with a long hug that made up for lost time. “That was a good sign.” I thought to myself. Clinton’s roommates took a pause from their game of pool to say hello and then the two of us went upstairs to talk alone. Neither of us wanted to deal with this anticipation any longer than we had to. The outcome of this conversation would determine if we would be spending a future together after all.
He sat on his office recliner and I sat on the edge of his bed a few feet away, literally on the edge of my seat. He sat with elbows on the armrest, fingers crossed but his pointers covering his lips, and rocked the chair side to side. I could tell he was contemplating how to start. Now it was his turn to make me wait for a response.
“So I’ve been praying for these past two weeks asking God to give me clarity on why I felt that way about kids…”
“Here we go…” I thought with excitement, taking notice of the past tense “felt”.
“And I still don’t know why I feel that way…”
“Wait what?” My thoughts of excitement abruptly ended.
“…I just don’t have a desire to become a dad someday.”
“Wait WHAT?” My thoughts yelled at me in my head. “This is NOT how this was supposed to go!”
“BUT…” Clinton continued.
“Oh good this is where it gets better and he tells me everything I want to hear.” I encouraged myself.
“….even though I know that I don’t want kids I also know that I want you to be my wife. And if marrying you means becoming a dad well then I will do anything to spend the rest of my life with you.”
“Well this is getting better…sort of.” I thought in an attempt to comfort myself.
“So I’ve decided that I will give you one.”
“One…?” I asked.
“One child.” He clarified and then stopped any further explanation as if waiting for me to show excitement.
I was devastated. I couldn’t make someone be a dad, they needed to want to be a dad or it wasn’t going to work. I couldn’t imagine raising my son or daughter and all the time knowing that their father didn’t really want to be one. I am sure he would of course love them but what kind of issues could still arise? And I knew that I didn’t want to raise an only child. Lord, I thought you said it wouldn’t be a compromise!
“So will you marry me?” Clinton’s question interrupted my baffled thoughts and he reached out his hands for me to take hold.
Not really sure at all how to respond, I grabbed his hands and said yes- hoping that he couldn’t hear the uncertainty in my voice.
He smiled and gave me one of those I’ve missed you kisses.
“So my fiancé where would you like to go eat?” He asked. Being called fiancé again gave me a sense of calm.
“I don’t care you pick.” I lied as per our usual routine until he suggested something I didn’t want. However this time I didn’t care so much, food was far from my mind.
We continued to make suggestions back and forth while silently I prayed…
“Lord, this is only the first conversation we are having. It isn’t finished. You said there wouldn’t be compromise and I am holding you to that.”
As soon as I had reminded God of His promise to me, as well as reminded myself, peace washed over my mind and I enjoyed the rest of the evening with the man I expected in faith to be my future husband.
...
April 23rd, 2013
I ordered my small spanish latte and found a two seater table on the patio. The coffee shop was busy; everyone was taking advantage of our nice weather before the heat of the desert summer hit us any week now. It was strange to think that Clinton and I could have been married already. Originally the date was set for March 9th, 2013 but after our children dilemma we decided to push it back and release some of the pressure of time. Our venue was partially outdoors so this meant waiting until November when the weather would for sure be cool enough for an outdoor ceremony. Arizona had limited windows of seasons that outdoor weddings were comfortable.
“Almost there” the text from Johanna read. I was excited to meet with my friend and have some girl time. The stress of full time college, two jobs, and planning this wedding (a part time job itself) had been weighing on me. While I waited for her to arrive I was simultaneously working on homework and our wedding planning website, every minute of time was an opportunity for more to get done.
Johanna greeted me with an excited hug and hello. “I think this is yours?” She handed me the Spanish latte that I had forgotten about at the counter. I love how well she knows me, I thought. I cleared the tiny table covered by my laptop, books, and lists. I wanted any distractions of things I had to do gone so I could enjoy this time with my friend.
Our conversation was full of all the best qualities of friendships- laughter, openness, listening, and compassion. My soul truly needed this. Then I sensed Johanna’s tone become more serious…
“I wanted to make sure that while I had this time with you that I asked how things are with you and Clinton. Have you guys discussed any further the issue of kids? I know that he said he will give you one, but have you told him that you want more? I also know that this is a difficult thing, and the wedding is still six months away, but I want to encourage you not to push off dealing with it.”
The change of topic threw me for a surprise but I sensed the kindness in Johanna’s voice. I paused for a moment deciding how I wanted to respond.
“I completely understand your concern…” I began.
“But I don’t feel that there are any more actions I can take right now. He does know how I feel about raising an only child, but what am I supposed to do send him off to a counselor until he changes his mind? God told me that He would work it all out in His timing, that I didn’t yet need to know what that looked like, but that it wouldn’t be compromise. So I guess all I can say is that I am just moving forward in faith that His promise to me is true. And I know it looks like we may not just be dealing with the matter, but continuing to plan this wedding is how I am dealing with it. And I’m hoping that God is dealing with Clinton right now in His own ways that I can’t yet see too.”
I knew as I spoke that my words sounded much more confidant than I felt. My eyes gave her assurance that I was convinced and hopeful but inside part of me wanted to cry. This was really hard. This woman was not only my friend but also my mentor who had been there for me during many other difficult situations and I truly respected her opinion. But did I trust what God had spoken to me that day more? It seemed like so long ago. What if I hadn’t heard Him correctly?
“Jesus help my faith.” I silently prayed as Johanna and I continued our conversation.
...
July 25th, 2013
It was a random Thursday night; Clinton and I had been talking on the phone for almost two hours now. Typically we kept our phone calls to the necessities and had most of our connecting time face to face, but both of our schedules had been so busy lately that we were simply grateful to catch up at all. I wasn’t scheduled to serve at the sports bar tonight and even though Clinton had to wake up at 5:30am for his work as an Assistant Manager for a commercial maintenance company, he didn’t show any signs of being anxious to go to bed. It had been over a week since we’d seen each other or even been able to have a decent conversation. Working as a server was excellent money, especially in this season of college and wedding expenses, but it was also horrible hours. There were some days that my work finished only a few hours before Clinton’s day started. He worked fifty hours a week but always had weekends off, while weekends were my busiest shifts. It felt strange living such opposite schedules while planning to marry in less than four months. But I was grateful for nights like these when we could really connect and talk about more than wedding details or work frustrations. Sometimes silly “meaningless” conversation is the most beneficial.
It was now shortly after midnight and my soul felt so refreshed. Whether we were laughing or sharing our hidden thoughts and concerns about life, this man always had a gift of communicating that brought rejuvenation a person didn’t even know they needed. It was one of the things I loved most about him. Little did I know that tonight would be exceptionally healing.
“Babe can I share something with you that I’ve been thinking about?” Clinton asked.
“Yes of course!” I quickly answered. It seemed like a silly question but I knew that whatever it was must be important to him.
“I want to have children with you.” He said very plainly and certainly.
It felt like every inner operation of my body paused, my heart not the only organ to skip a beat. Did I hear him correctly?
Clinton continued without waiting for my response, “I know that I want to have children with you, God gave me a dream.”
“Really?” It was all I could come up with to say.
“Yeah can I tell you about it?” I sensed that his continued asking permission to share was his way of being sensitive that this had been a difficult topic in the past, one that we had only briefly commented on since the negotiation of the “one child”.
“Of course, please do!” I still could not believe what I was hearing but also couldn’t wait to hear more.
“Well a few months ago God gave me this dream…” he began.
“A few months ago??” I blurted out.
“Yes babe just listen.” He laughed.
“So I had this dream and it was about the moment our child came into the world. And it was beautiful. I didn’t think too much of it after it happened but then the next day I couldn’t stop thinking about it. And then a week later and a month later I still couldn’t stop thinking about it. And well since then, God sort of spoke to me through it. The baby in the dream was just like you and I realized something. I love you so much, why wouldn’t I want another little you in my life? I may not feel ready right now for children but we are going to get married and then we are going to buy a house and I know that one day the next step will be to have children together. And just like I am excited to spend the rest of my life with you, I am excited for that part too.”
I was literally speechless.
Clinton continued regardless, “…and besides just that, aside from my relationship with you, I now know that I myself want to be a father one day.”
I listened on the other side of the line with the most joyful tears running down my face.
...
May 31st, 2014
Clinton and I relaxed in our bright Tommy Bahama lounge chairs as we watched vacationing and local families play in the water ahead of us. Today was the third day of our honeymoon in Lahaina Maui, a destination that we were very blessed to be able to visit. Our wedding had been in November 2013 but we had waited a few months for life to settle down and our bank accounts to breathe again. Since that special day I had quit my job as an evening cocktail server and gotten a job in education using my degree. I also graduated college…debt free! Clinton, my husband, had generously sold his motorcycle to help me pay off my last semester’s tuition. He was doing well at his job and working somewhat less hours. We bought our first house, a 1400 square foot one story, next to the old town district of our town. I was having a blast furnishing it and making it feel like home. It had been a busy year full of excitement! We certainly needed no help relaxing on this beautiful island enjoying the sand between our toes and fresh fish poke salad on our plates.
There was a lot of activity going on around us but neither of us felt compelled to join. We were enjoying all of the people watching. This was definitely a family favorite beach and I had the feeling most those here were local. To my left a mom was building sand castles with her son in the sand. Straight ahead a group of preteens were boogie boarding, able to ride their boards twenty feet across the shallow break. A school age girl behind them weaved in and out of the waves effortlessly. Although small, this beach was one of the best for surfing because of its low tide and coral reef. I envied both the fearlessness and the talent of those surfing in the water, as I had just discovered hours earlier that surfing was not my sport. The rashes all over my body and skinned knees reminded me! I now had a new appreciation and respect for those who knew how to balance on the giant boards and could enjoy it without the fear of coral or sea urchins injuring their body.
One such fearless soul caught the attention of Clint and I. A few dozen feet to our right was a Dad surfing with his daughter. She looked to be a little less than two years old, the cutest little thing with hair so blonde it looked white and eyes so big and blue they could even be seen at our distance. She sat contently at the front of her dad’s board while he lay on his stomach directly behind her. He would swim the board out a short distance, one hand on his little girl and his other three limbs paddling, and then turn the board around waiting for a small wake. She sat directly in front of him, almost on his lap, and his large hands wrapped almost all the way around her body. The wake would push their board in to shore and she would giggle and clap the entire time with no bother to the water that got in her eyes or her mouth. It was adorable! We could have watched them for hours and the little girl seemed like she could enjoy this moment with her dad for just as long. But soon it was time for snacks and naps and we watched the family pack up and get ready to leave. “Come here Ever.” We heard her mom call as she held open a towel.
“When we have a daughter can we name her Ever?” I heard Clinton say, sort of asking and sort of thinking out loud.
“I would love that.” I smiled, still amazed that we could freely talk about our future with children in them. It was only a year and half ago that this man told me he never wanted kids, and now he was picking names! I had once asked “will he ever want children?” and now he was suggesting an ironic name choice. God has a sense of humor like that! But why should I be so surprised?
I suddenly realized there was more to this little surfing toddler that impressed me. It wasn’t just her ability to find joy in the middle of the waves without fear, it was also her trust in her father. Even Clinton and I had held our breathe a few times as the small wave breaks would cover her head, we waited to see if her little body would still be on the tip of that board. But not once did her dad let go. Not once did he take a hand off her. And she knew it.
“Lord, give me faith like Ever. I want to trust my Daddy like she does.” I silently prayed.
...
August 12th, 2018
“Only a few more pushes and she will be here, just keep doing what you are doing Brittany.” My aunt and midwife encouraged me.
It felt like all moments had led to now. Never before had I been so in tune with my body and this present moment. All the hard work of labor combined with the beauty of physiology brought me here and we were minutes away from meeting our daughter.
In the past four years the Lord had answered my prayer to increase my faith. He continued to rid Clinton of every fear of fatherhood and reassure my desires of motherhood. He broke the burden of provision showing us countless times that He was our provider. He made me the director of a preschool and blessed me with the presence of children while I waited to know my own. He led us to adopt a puppy that would teach us both to work together and sacrifice our time. He held our hands through a miscarriage that taught me how to fight for my child and confirmed Clinton’s desire for one. We named that child Everest. God had conquered many mountains in our marriage to prepare us for this next season and now each stage of labor was nothing compared to the years of stretching and growing He had done in us.
I felt another contraction coming, closed my eyes, and pushed as hard as I had strength to. The first thing I heard was Clinton say “Oh my gosh babe you’re amazing…she’s here!” The next thing I heard was the most beautiful sound to ever reach my ears- my baby’s cry and first sample of her voice. Clinton had caught her and now placed her on my chest, directly over my heart. I finally got to hold her close to the place she already held. Although it was hard to take my eyes off of her, I looked at my husband’s and somehow knew exactly what he was thinking. This was the moment he’d dreamed of, and it was beautiful. In fact, it was perfect.
“Lord You were right, this doesn’t at all look like compromise.”
