Mountain Climber
April 18th, 2017
I turn left down the hallway towards the check out desk I had become familiar with by now. “Oh this way hun I’ll show you guys the back exit so you don’t have to walk through the lobby.” The nurse motions for us to follow her. She leads us through a series of halls and rooms then opens the door for us with the same expression everyone else has given us- “I am so sorry for your loss.”
My husband's hand grips tighter over mine as we look at our surroundings trying to figure out which way we had entered the building. I don’t think he has let go since the doctor gave us the news. We find our sense of direction and walk to our car as quick as we can, my husband leading the pace. Once inside, I take a deep breath. It feels good to be in our own familiar atmosphere rather than the space of the cold medical office; the same office that had brought me so much excitement only a month ago. I stare at the dusty dashboard, my eyes filling with tears. I turn to my husband in search of some of his steady comfort. This was the car he had picked me up in for our first date six years prior and the car he drove me on numerous road trips to some of our favorite memories. He always drove the whole way, sometimes even six hours straight, because “my driving made him nervous”. The feeling in my stomach now is true nerves and I wonder if his feels the same. Who knew that we would be processing this horrible news in this car together and that my leader and protector would look at me with such scared eyes- “What do we do now?” he asks.
January 7th, 2017
As my husband and I wait in line there are now only a few people in front of us. I have the same feeling in my body as I did when I was a kid waiting in line for the tallest roller coaster of the theme park. The sanctuary seats are more empty than they were an hour ago but the power in the atmosphere is just the same. It’s 11:37pm. My nerves make their way down to my stomach as we wait for our turn to approach this man of God with our question. “What are you going to ask him?” my husband inquires with a sense of uneasiness. Between the two of us I am more of the “open book” type and I’ve had to learn not to give away every intimate detail of our relationship. “Oh you know.” I respond. He gives me a raised eyebrow but I know he understands exactly what is on my mind.
It is now our turn. The prophet who is visiting our church has told us that God has given permission for us to ask whatever question is on our hearts, and he has now been ministering and serving the people of our church for hours. He motions for us to come forward. Our steps across the stage seem loud and the lights hitting us have already made me hot. Or maybe it’s my nerves, I’m not sure. The prophet and his wife welcome us with smiles. I can see a genuineness on their faces that I could not see from the audience prior. He holds the mic in front of me and says “Hi dear, what is your question?”. “Um….” I recover from hearing my own voice so loud. “I would like to know if it’s time for my husband and I to start a family.” The prophet closes his eyes, praying the same way he has for every person before me. The silence is thick. I notice that time moves slower up on this stage with everyone watching us. Although I feel like I’ve been waiting for God’s answer to this question a lot longer than this current moment. Perhaps it's the heavy passion of my question that is building up so much anticipation. Is my husband holding his breathe as much as me? My thoughts are interrupted... “It’s time for a child.” The man of God says confidently. Instantly I find my head in my hands weeping before everyone. I am too overwhelmed with joy to care.
April 25th, 2017
Romans 4:3, “For the Scriptures tell us, Abraham believed God, and God counted him as righteous because of his faith.”
I had just read Genesis 22 and stared at the words trying to process. I had read this story so many times yet it meant so much more to me right now. I can’t imagine there being any greater pain than loosing your child, but choosing to give them up? I have often heard this passage preached as an example of great faith in God, but right now in this moment it seems like great religion to me. Why would God ask Abraham to do such a thing? Doesn’t this contradict Deuteronomy 12:31 where God directly calls another nation "abominable" for child sacrifice? How is this not a contradiction? I know that I know the answers to these questions but with my current situation my emotions seem to have hidden them. Did God decide to take my baby back?
Then I see it. Verse 11-12… “But the angel of the Lord called to him from heaven and said…Do not lay your hand on the boy or do anything to him, for NOW I KNOW that you fear God, seeing you have not withheld your son, your only son, from me.” (Emphasis added)
Something about this resonates with me. I stop and take a breath. Within my spirit I hear Him say…
“My daughter…if you loose this child, will you still trust me?”
I take a long moment to answer, understanding that what I speak back to Him is my commitment.
“Yes Lord, You have always given me reason to trust you.”
“My daughter…if you loose this child, will you still call Me your Good Father?”
This question seems so much weightier than the first. My head reminds me that God Himself gave me His Son and withheld nothing from me, but my heart reminds me of how long I have waited to be pregnant. Not as long as others that I know, my husband and I had not actively been trying. But no one knows or understands, not even my husband, just how long a time my desire to be a mother had been brewing. Only God knew the daydreams I had every time I saw a mother whispering to the child in her lap or holding her little up to lookout the window. These last few years of marriage and working daily in childcare only made the dream stronger. And now God was asking me to give that up? For Him? Is this why He is a “jealous” God? I continue to dialogue in my head rather than with The One who knows my every thought…
May 2nd, 2017
It’s 5:55am. I am in my classroom in a bright blue chair that sits only a foot off the ground. A few more minutes and the doors will open; my first kiddo will be here with breakfast in hand ready to start the day. I am not sure who will arrive first today but I wait excitedly for their presence. Loving and serving these kids has brought such peace and healing to my heart. I look down and place my cupped hand on my belly, praying for the one living inside just as I have done since the day I found out he/she existed. It has been two weeks since the doctor first gave us the news that our baby had no heartbeat. I use the words “living” and “had” as words of faith. Today we will go back for a second ultrasound. We have been fighting in prayer for this little life believing for a miracle. As many friends and family have come alongside us it has been overwhelming love. But I am tired and ready for our answer; and I am fully aware that I have not yet given God mine.
“Lord, thank you that You are a Gentle God who waits patiently for me to bring my heart. You are not a sculptor who pokes and prods but You are the potter who kindly molds with grace filled fingers. Thank you for all the people who have recently poured into me and please bless them abundantly. I have never called upon so much support, stood on so many scriptures, and prayed for someone so hard as I have these past two weeks. Thank you for the work you have done in me.”
“Lord I know that I have the faith of Abraham. He held nothing back from You because He believed You were true to Your promise. You would bless him with many descendants even if You had to raise his son from the dead. I DO believe that You will also resurrect ours.”
I pause for a moment, making sure that what I am about to declare is with full genuineness.
“BUT EVEN IF YOU DON’T…. You are my Good Father. You are My Heavenly Father who held nothing back from me when it came to Your own Son. If I must say bye to this child today, it will be hard, but I know that You will understand my pain. And EVEN IF YOU DON’T answer my prayer the way that I want, You are the Promise Keeper who is greater than the promise. If I must say bye to this child today, it will be hard, but I know that You have put the desire in my heart to be a mother and YOU WILL FULFILL it.”
Having blurted out my heart’s cry like one who can no longer keep in a secret, I pause and listen. That was the hardest prayer I have ever prayed but the peace of having released control washes over me. I wait a moment more for His response but there are no words. Only this feeling that He is smiling at me.
It’s now 5:58am and I open my daily devotional book in front of me. Today’s verse reads…
John 11:25-26, “Jesus told her, ‘I am the resurrection and the life. Anyone who believes in me will live, even after dying. Everyone who lives in me and believes in me will never ever die. Do you believe this?”
“I do.” I answer without hesitation.
A feeling in my gut tells me that He is preparing me for this afternoon’s answer: Life. Perhaps lost here but waiting for me in Heaven. And all because of Jesus.
My thoughts are interrupted by an opening door and footsteps running down the hall.
“Good morning Mrs. Brittany!” a four year old smile greets me, excited to start the day.
October 18th, 2017
I lean into the leather chair, trying not to pull away from the pain. I blow breath out of my mouth as slow as I can to calm my body. The discomfort comes and goes.
I never thought I would be getting a tattoo. But here I am on my birthday paying for pain as a gift to myself.
“Almost done.” The artist encourages.
My right arm is stretched behind my back so that I can’t see the needle. It feels more like a cat’s claw scraping down my forearm.
“That’s it!” He says.
I walk to the nearest mirror and hold my arm up just in front of my belly, the place you called home only eight months ago. The zig zagging line is a permanent reminder of your place in our family. An ink memoire of the Goodness of God to know exactly where you reside now. And though I never saw the rhythmic lines of your heartbeat, I drew them to be as I imagined you: strong and precise. You left a mark on me that can’t be described by this one. But I pray that it can be explained whenever asked. I will tell them your story and how proud of you I am. My firstborn child who accomplished their purpose in only six weeks of life. My baby Everest who conquered mountains. My child who was never born but forever lives…all thanks to Jesus.
Thank you for reading Baby Everest's story. Today will mark 2 years since we discovered the wonderful news we conceived.
Attached below you will find a confession sheet that I stood upon during the two weeks of waiting for a miracle. It is comprised of personal scripture studies and encouragement from the many amazing friends and family members that were by our side. Behind my name as the author are multiple men and women of God who decreed and declared for a miracle with us. I have now generalized the prayers so that it can be used by any mother who has conceived or grieved a baby. So enjoy discussing the study with Jesus, pass it along to someone who needs it, and please do share your story with me. It is my honor to get to pray with you.
God's Promises for Me and My Baby Download
I would also like to thank my fellow Word warrior and blogger Dana Kirkland for making this prayer sheet pretty! And if you love to decree and declare the many promises of God, check out her newest "Truth vs. Lies" here! https://www.danamariekirkland.com/blog/change-negative-thought-patterns
If you would like to further read my poem to Baby Everest click here: https://joyfullyjournaling.com/my-letter-to-heaven/
