Thankfulness: The Key to Surrender

April 16th 2019

I am getting ready for a lunch date with my mom while my eight month old daughter sleeps peacefully in her nursery. For the past five minutes I have been doing the “potty dance” in front of my full length mirror. As I hold the curling iron on my last strand of hair the hot steam rises along with my thought bubbles… “Why am I peeing so much this morning there is no reason for this?” I comb out my too hot to handle hair with my brush and ritually grab a dollar store pregnancy test and head for the bathroom.

Taking pregnancy tests had become sort of a common practice in my life at that point. Still nursing my daughter, my list of pregnancy signs and symptoms had all become a regular occurrence: fatigue, full/sore breasts, and hormones! My husband and I, when discussing contraception after her birth, had made the decision that we would trust God to determine our family size. “He knows what is best for our family and has a team in mind for us” was our response when people asked how many kids we planned on having. With no reference of a cycle in the past two years because of miscarriage and pregnancy and nursing a baby, this meant having dollar store pregnancy tests always on hand and available to answer the “I wonder?” moments. Such as now.

I use the bathroom…again!…and throw the test on the bathroom counter without looking at it. The other double digit number of pregnancy tests I have taken in previous weeks all said negative so why wouldn’t this one? I continue getting ready doing my make up and watching the baby monitor to look for any nap time stirring. I am so grateful that my daughter is a sweet sleeper and that we have already conquered a routine giving me plenty of time to look like a decent human being before leaving the house. Ten minutes later I grab the test and it’s wrapper to be thrown away and am caught by a BOLD. BLUE. PLUS SIGN.

Also known as POSITIVE!

I felt adrenaline flood my entire body and rush into my face. I very likely said “WHuuuT?” out loud but it’s hard to remember… I felt like I was in an out of body experience. This wasn’t really happening…not to me!…these back to back pregnancies happen to other people and to Bible characters… but not to me! My brain worked fast and hard to try and categorize the information it was receiving… I felt panic start to enter.

And that’s when I had a choice to make.

Only seconds had gone by since I read the test, but I remember making a conscience decision about what my initial reaction would be. It was as though everything was spinning so fast yet time had also slowed graciously giving me the chance to make the proper response.

Immediately I started walking around the room saying “THANK YOU JESUS! Ohhh thank you Jesus!!” I couldn’t stop. I felt that if I stopped that worried feeling might come back, so I just kept on praising around my bedroom. “Thank you Jesus, You are so Good! Oh thank you Jesus!"

Fear is an adrenaline junky. But praise turns adrenaline into thanksgiving.

…

Thirty minutes or so later I hear my daughter’s coos on the monitor. She has woken up just in time for me to get her ready and dressed and out the door for lunch. Such an angel. Will it be like this when we have two of them? I brush the negative thought aside and head to to her bedroom.

When I open her door and walk to her crib my heart is filled with overwhelming joy. She looks at me with the brightest smile on her face that tells me how happy she is to see me.

“Lord, I can’t believe You are giving us another one of these precious ones…You are the greatest gift giver.”

I pick my daughter up and begin nursing her while continuing to tell the Lord “thank you” in my heart.

…

We arrive at our meeting place for lunch and head to the patio area. It is a picnic style lawn with turf grass and low seated chairs, a very comfortable spot for a nursing momma and a not yet crawling baby. It is a gorgeous spring day in Arizona- the kind we celebrate. Though my mom isn’t there yet, I am grateful to have a few extra moments with my daughter processing the excitement of the past hour. I had determined that I wasn’t going to share the news with anyone before my husband so I needed to calm down before my mom arrived.

Leilani had a new little outfit on, the epitome of girl, and pink tennis shoes that looked too tiny to possibly fit any human being. What a perfect opportunity for a mini photo session! (My typical thought process in moments such as these). She giggles and smiles on cue for the camera, as she usually does, and once again my heart is overwhelmed with thankfulness.

“Leilani, you are going to be the best big sister!”

So maybe I celebrated the news with one soul before my husband.

My mom arrived and I enjoyed the rest of the afternoon; beautiful weather, yummy food, a happy baby, and an exciting secret.

…

April 20th, 2019 10:00am

Four days have gone by since I first discovered the pregnancy. All of the excitement and anticipation has been replaced with a steady anxiety that has made it’s home in my stomach. This weekend is Easter Sunday and I have planned a fun basket reveal for my husband, but keeping the news to myself has been an opportunity for anxiety to arise.

Leilani and I are on our routine morning walk and she is just old enough to sit up in her stroller with the help of her seat. Every morning she loves looking around at all the interesting events of the neighborhood and I love using this time to pray. This morning it is a prayer of handing over concerns.

What are these walks going to look like with two babies? We are going to have to buy a new stroller even though we just got this one. Leila and I just finally got into a normal routine… Am I going to recover the same after another back to back pregnancy? It took so long to even be able to walk the neighborhood. Will my labor be as beautiful as it was? With Leila’s it was fear of the unknown but what if this time my expectations are too high? I’m still breastfeeding, how is that going to work! Will I just be getting the life drained out of me like a dog on the floor? I have given it all to this daughter and I love her so much Lord how can I possibly love another little one the same? What if I don’t have enough?

In the middle of my long winded worries the Lord interrupted me. I knew it was Him because it was peace in a moment that everything about me was panic.

“Brittany I am not giving you what you think you need but what your daughter needs. And in order for her to be the person that I need her to be, to fulfill her destiny, she will need someone close.”

For me that settled it. I would do anything for my daughter…even go through labor and recovery again to give her another sibling!

“I feel the same way about you my beloved!” the Lord continued His download on my heart. The One who suffered once and for all would surely give me everything I needed. He had proven He is trustworthy on the cross. I could surrender my every concern to Him.

I thanked Him for His kind correction and continued the rest of our morning walk in peace.

…

November 28th, 2019 -8:35pm

It’s Thanksgiving evening and time to put my “turkey pants” on. In my third trimester, ten days away from my due date, I am feeling fuller than the stuffed bird we all just consumed. Fortunately I had foreseen this feeling and brought an extra comfy outfit to my in laws house.

Once in my cozies I go into my mother in laws room to check on my daughter. Exhausted from all the attention and playtime with her cousins, she is in a deep sleep and doesn’t even budge when I kiss her on the cheek. The stretch is risky, I can hardly touch my toes with this big belly let alone bend over into a playpen, but my love for her is too strong to resist the moment. I can’t believe she has already had fifteen months of life experience now and yet I feel like she’s been a part of our lives forever. Soon we will be meeting her little brother, our first son, and he too will be a most important member of our family.

I stand over the playpen for a moment, pondering these things in my heart, then quietly start to tip toe away and crack open the door. I am hit with a wall of noisy chatter, from the combo of holiday festivities and large family size, and decide that I’d actually like to stay in this cozy room by myself. For some reason the thought of being surrounded by relatives, twenty or so nieces and nephews included, seems overwhelming at the moment. My mother in laws bed, however, looks very inviting so I make a cozy nest of the pillows and try to find the perfect side lying position while also giving my lungs enough room to breathe. I turn on the television, flipping back and forth between Home Alone 2 and the Hallmark channel, and am perfectly content to “zone out” to some nostalgic holiday movies.

Thirty minutes or so later, my heavy eyelids are just about to bring me into that sweet deep sleep, when I feel my baby kick my blatter. The result is a slight tinkle. Not the first occurrence in the third trimester of a back to back pregnancy, I know exactly what to do. I slowly push myself up, scoot to the end of the bed, and slide off the edge ready to waddle to the bathroom when GUSH!

Much like the experience of reading the pregnancy test seven months earlier my mind goes into an out of body shock. I try to process the reality that although I have not had a single contraction my water has just broken.

The first thought is “This can’t be happening…I just ate four slices of pie…I can’t do this!!”

…

November 28th, 2019 -11:20pm

My husband and I are now in our own room at home, Clint is laying down in bed and I am finishing packing the labor bag. Still not a single contraction. Leilani has been picked up by my parents for a sleepover at their house where loads of food options and diaper bags have already been packed and waiting. We had called my midwife (also my aunt) right after my water broke and she suggested we try to get some sleep at home in our own bed. “It could happen tonight or it could happen tomorrow…just try to get as much rest as possible and remember, second babies come quicker!” This made me laugh because I knew her reminder was in reference to our previous labor where we almost had an accidental home birth.

I put the last few items in our bag, an oil diffuser and bluetooth speaker, and double check the packing list. I put my favorite pajamas on, a loose cotton gown with buttons up top and two large slits on the skirt. I had worn the same dress as a delivery gown during my last birth giving it a nostalgic feel that calms me as I slip it over my body, like a comfort blanket.

Bag packed and labor gown on, I head to the bathroom to wash my face. My husband anxiously watches me go through my bedtime routine not understanding the high number of steps involved. “What are you doing babe come to bed?!”

“I want to feel comfortable and clean first!” I answer.

“You need rest though!”

“Just let me do my thing.” I respond shortly.

His questions irritate me and I wonder if this is a sign of labor or simply my nerves. I still feel unprepared that labor is actually happening and I am hoping that all these little preparations will mentally make something “click”.

I fill up my bottle of water and get into bed. My husband is already snoring next to me and I am envious of his ability to relax on demand. I toss and turn under the covers. Still not a single contraction but a small cramping feel has settled in my low abdomen. Getting comfortable with this big belly was difficult before, now it seems impossible. I wake Clinton up to help me push multiple pillows under my belly and between my legs. He assists me as much as he can and then turns back over to an instant, deep snore sleep.

I try not to toss and turn, I don’t want to undo all the effort that was just made to create the perfect body pillow. I don’t feel any waves of contractions yet, only that dull steady “cramp” in my low stomach. What’s more distracting is my racing mind. How long will it be before the contractions start? Will I know when to go to the hospital? What if things progress too quickly? Should we be at the hospital right now?

I feel panic start to creep its way in and disturb my mind…

Once again, I have a choice to make.

Instinctively I pull out my journal from my bedside table; my thick, hot pink, polka dot journal that contains many of my talks with the Lord from the past two years…

I flip it open to look for any entries I have recorded about my labor with this baby boy. What has God told me about him and his character? What dreams has he given us? What scriptures has He given me for this labor? I know I can stand on all God’s promises concerning me and my son in these next few hours and I turn to them now for comfort.

I only have to search seconds for the comfort I long for. In teal colored penmanship I read the entry from the day that I had first told my husband I was pregnant and it says…

“Lord, even though we were not expecting this pregnancy You’ve prepared our hearts with thankfulness.”

The message is instantly clear to me. Just like I had not been expecting the pregnancy I also had not been expecting to go into labor ten days early, but it is no coincidence that the Lord had chosen Thanksgiving evening to welcome our little blessing into the world! He wants me to welcome His perfect timing like I had when I read that pregnancy test and trust that He had not only prepared my heart to endure the hours of labor ahead but also to love the little person I would be meeting at the end of it.

I quietly get out of bed and go into my living room. I turn on my “labor playlist” on Spotify and worship. Steffany Gretzinger’s song “Letting Go” from her album The Undoing comes on…

“I confess that I still get scared sometimes, but perfect love comes rushing in. And all the lies that screamed inside go silent…the moment you come in. Now I’m letting go…now I’m letting go…”

Peace fills my soul as I worship the One called “Perfect Love” in my living room. I picture myself unclenching my fists and “letting go” of all my expectations for this labor. All my fears and my desire for control are surrendered through praise. I am on my knees, I am pacing the floors, and I am standing with arms raised proclaiming “I trust you Lord….You’re timing is perfect…thank you Jesus that You’re in control…You chose this perfect moment in time for this son to be born…I am on board with Your plan!”

As Holy Spirit helps me to declare out loud the will of God for us, regular contractions are beginning to occur. Soon I am no longer falling on my knees in response to worship but in response to my body. It’s 1:33am and I call my aunt, “I’m ready to go to the hospital!”

…

November 29th, 4:05am

I have been laboring in the giant jet tub in our delivery room at Mercy Gilbert Birth Center for about forty minutes or so, the warm water comforting every contraction. But as the contractions are getting stronger I am finding it hard to get into a comfortable position on the hard ceramic surface. “I think I’m ready to go to the bed.” I tell my team.

I slowly stand up. The hospital gown, full of water, feels like one of those weighted blankets. My doula, aunt, and husband all help me get out of the heavy gown and wrap me in a dry towel. I am at the point of labor where I no longer care about modesty, but my team somehow manages to help me change discreetly. I look at the two steps that exit the tub and they are as overwhelming as a mountain. Contractions are coming at such a steady pace I have to try and correctly judge my exit. It’s like that childhood game of jump rope where two kids are swinging large ropes in opposite directions and it’s your turn to join in on the jumping. Everyone is watching and you’re just hoping you don’t get all tangled up...

“Cinderella, dressed in yellow, went upstairs to kiss her fellow. Made a mistake and kissed a snake, how many doctors did it take? 1, 2, 3, 4…contraction!”

Halfway down the two steps that exit the tub and I am forced to sit on them and embrace the wave of pain that hits my body. I feel a bunch of hands on me making sure I am steady on the wet floor. I recognize this part of labor as the “hard part” also known as transition. The part where many women think “I made a mistake!” and “get the doctor!”. Some may even refer to their prince charming husbands as “snakes” at this point as well.

The contraction finishes it’s job and I immediately stand up; I have a small window to get to the hospital bed five feet in front of me before another one comes. I shuffle three steps forward and am hit with another wave of pain. Before I can crouch to the floor my aunt is right there to hold me. I lean on her with my entire weight, letting her be responsible for keeping me up. I focus on enduring this interval of intense sensation when I hear deep in my spirit…

“Thatta girl, keep surrendering. You can put your full weight on Me.”

I know that voice from deep within. My body seems to instinctively release tension and my soul seems to take a sigh of relief: He’s here.

With this realization my heart fills with thankfulness and the atmosphere fills with His presence.

Twenty minutes later my son is born.

…

November 29th, 6:35am

My six pound, eleven ounce blue eyed baby boy is asleep on my chest. He has just nursed for forty five minutes and tells me how happy he is with his floppy arms and mouth hanging open. I am enjoying the way it feels to hold him close to my heart and also still processing his presence. Only four hours earlier we had just checked into the hospital and now here we are in postnatal care!

Even though I have been laboring all night I am not even close to being tired. I can still feel the adrenaline in my system, stronger than a cup of coffee. My body is ready for rest but my mind races to process the events of the past eight hours. I lay my son in his bassinet and grab my colorful, floral Bible from the tray stand next to me.

“Babe what was the room number of our delivery room last night?” I ask my almost snoring husband.

“304.” he answers without question.

I open my Bible to the book of Psalms knowing that it contains 30+ chapters and am beyond blessed by what I read…

Psalms 30:4 (TPT), “O sing and make melody, you steadfast lovers of God. Give thanks to Him every time you reflect on His holiness.”

…

The definition of surrender according to Oxford Dictionary:

SURRENDER (verb) . 1- cease resistance to an enemy or opponent and submit to their authority 2- give up or hand over a person, right, or possession. 3- abandon oneself entirely to

For me, labor is such an amazing opportunity to learn the act of surrender. There are many secular books out there with titles along the lines of “The Art of Surrender”, however it is not an art but an act. Surrender is a choice. A choice made first by Him and then by me. God handed over His only Son, and the Son gave up all His rights, so that I could also abandon myself entirely to this sort of love.

When those painful contractions hit I can choose to resist or I can choose to let them do their work. I remind myself that Jesus is the One who made God my opponent, not my enemy, and His authority is a safe place. I can trust the Creator to carry me through the process of receiving His creation. This process of surrender occurs when my flesh learns to submit and my spirit steps up.

After both labors with my children I decided, “I want to live everyday like this” -and motherhood has given me plenty of chances! Mostly, it has shown me how much of a self focused person I am. Even when taking care of these two little human beings, whom I love so much it’s unreal, I still find myself thinking about my own needs far too often.

But the best days are the mornings that my children and I start off the day by dancing in our living room to worship music, the evenings that I record in my gratitude journal even the most small victories, and the days that I testify to those around me of God’s goodness… such as today! Other days thankfulness takes form in a less obvious way such as taking the time to look my children in the eyes more, spending a few more minutes after dinner to make my husband that favorite dessert, or reaching for the phone in the middle of busy-ness to tell a friend how much they mean to me. Surrender doesn’t always have to be painful!

I am still learning how to surrender more quickly each and every day, but I have found the key to be a heart of thankfulness.